Expat Life

Advice for the future Mrs. Prince Harry

I have  finally come to terms with the fact that I won’t be the future Mrs. Prince Harry and I have decided to embrace Meghan Markle and pass on my wisdom as a fellow expat and a wife of a Brit.

Meghan, you and I have a lot in common. We are both young, beautiful and Americans. We were both seduced by an accent and plucked from our homes and transported to the UK. You were a successful Hollywood actress and I was a successful high school drama student. So given that we have all these close ties, here is some helpful advice on moving to the UK and embracing your new home.

  1. Sun. It’s your long lost friend now, I’m afraid. So make sure you take trips to Spain, especially in the winter. Or since Australia is a part of the commonwealth, go hit that up with some diplomatic excuse.
  2. Be aware that people will attempt an American accent around you and it will either come out with a southern drawl or with a valley girl intonation. 
  3. Get used to being called a Yank. Even though you are from California, the Brits haven’t figured out US geography yet and everyone is called this affectionate term.
  4. You will fight with someone at least once a week about the difference between a biscuit and a cookie.
  5. Everything in the UK is smaller. Refrigerators, beds, closet space, popcorn at the movie theater. Now with you being a royal you won’t have to deal with this shit, but just so you know this is what the common folk have to put up with.
  6. Castles. I do realize you will be living in a palace, lucky you. But you still have to go see all the other castles and palaces that the UK has to offer. They are like Starbucks, one on every other corner. So go check them out in between your princess lessons.
  7. If you order pancakes over here, you will get crepes. Bacon is not the same and they consider baked beans a breakfast food. Consider yourself warned.
  8. Make sure to visit Scotland, it’s really pretty. And everyone is friendly. You won’t be able to understand anyone, but just smile and nod and you will be fine.
  9. You will never find the right size of clothes or shoes again, but you will have a personal stylist so, once again, this one may not affect you. But please be aware of what the rest of us expats are suffering through and maybe make this a top charity priority.
  10. Being an alcoholic is not frowned upon over here, just saying.
  11. There is apparently a shortage of ice in the UK, so you will have to ask for it. And no free refills, again as a Duchess or Princess you may find a way around this.
  12. You can’t dry your hair in the bathroom because there are no sockets, this is life changing.
  13. You better add “xxx” to the end of your texts and emails to people you like or they will think you are dead inside.
  14. Americans changed the English language and the Brits are still pissed about it. Also pissed over here means drunk and that it’s raining outside. It can be confusing.
  15. Find one American friend, it will help, promise. Preferably make that friend me.

If you need any other expat advice or help understanding your new family tree, don’t hesitate to ask me. I have a wealth of knowledge/obsession with the royal family and I have watched both seasons of The Crown, so I’m basically an expert.

Also if you need an American/Brit couple to hang out with, my husband and I are available. We are really sophisticated so I’m sure we would get on really well with you and Harry.

See you in May, we are excellent wedding guests!

#MyNewNormal

Scott and I love playing board games, because we are already an old married couple. He gifted me monopoly for Christmas and it was the British version. Didn’t even know that existed!

WTF! Where are Boardwalk and Park Place?

Don’t worry I haven’t let this obstacle hinder my ability to beat the crap out of my husband though. Over and over.

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